God watch over me and my family , please help us make a decision that will be the right one. Praying for your will.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Curse of the Church Lady Face/life
Wow, what a month this has been. Today, I am just feeling down and out, truly I hate feeling this way. God has showed me so many wonders in my life. He has provided many great things for me and my family. Then why am I feeling alone, and depressed. To see me at church or out and about with the boys noone would know. I feel like a liar sometimes. I put on the "CHURCH LADY FACE" I use the Christian F word.....and I use it with not one ounce of shame. Ask me how everything is and I will say that F word to your face...shaming really. I will tell you I am Fine...everything is Fine...that F word is so easy to use. But, why when I have a loving Church family , family, friends do I feel the need to do that. There have been many times that someone has asked me how life was and I just wanted to let it all out tell everything that is going on , what I am struggling with , what my husband or kids are struggling with. Why my life is so horrible (lol). Spill the beans on all the people that have done me wrong this time. But, I have said one word that I feel people almost expect I am Fine. I am a cheerful person, laughing , smiling all the time. But, there are days that as I am laughing , smiling, joking I feel like I am dying inside. I do feel better in the fact that I know that I am not alone in doing that. I'm not saying that God messed up when he planned my life. No, these are my choices. God, is carrying me through the times that I want to throw in the towel. The times when I don't want to get out of bed, the times when the shower just seems too much, the times that I want to just tell the boys that they will just have to educate themselves (which by the way would include educational material from the rugrats). I have faith that HE will pull me out of this funk I am finding my self in.. I am just feeling pulled in so many directions anymore. My husband who has been struggling with life as well wants to leave the state. A good wife would have her bags packed and ready to roll. Part of me is but then my family wants us to stay (for good reason), his dad would be devastated. When I think about the what if's if something were to happen to someone what would we do. Are we going to be ok, what if he loses his job down there (florida) what will happen to us. Just so many thoughts runing across my mind...I am ready to run, but what am I running into. Sure, we would be with us just our family . I would get to meet more people share God's love with others. Which I would absolutely love. I am horrible at this. I really should just close my eyes plug my nose and just dive in. How do I do that ? How do I throw our life up here out and start a new life somewhere else? i feel better just spewing this out for the world to see.