God watch over me and my family , please help us make a decision that will be the right one. Praying for your will.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Curse of the Church Lady Face/life
Wow, what a month this has been. Today, I am just feeling down and out, truly I hate feeling this way. God has showed me so many wonders in my life. He has provided many great things for me and my family. Then why am I feeling alone, and depressed. To see me at church or out and about with the boys noone would know. I feel like a liar sometimes. I put on the "CHURCH LADY FACE" I use the Christian F word.....and I use it with not one ounce of shame. Ask me how everything is and I will say that F word to your face...shaming really. I will tell you I am Fine...everything is Fine...that F word is so easy to use. But, why when I have a loving Church family , family, friends do I feel the need to do that. There have been many times that someone has asked me how life was and I just wanted to let it all out tell everything that is going on , what I am struggling with , what my husband or kids are struggling with. Why my life is so horrible (lol). Spill the beans on all the people that have done me wrong this time. But, I have said one word that I feel people almost expect I am Fine. I am a cheerful person, laughing , smiling all the time. But, there are days that as I am laughing , smiling, joking I feel like I am dying inside. I do feel better in the fact that I know that I am not alone in doing that. I'm not saying that God messed up when he planned my life. No, these are my choices. God, is carrying me through the times that I want to throw in the towel. The times when I don't want to get out of bed, the times when the shower just seems too much, the times that I want to just tell the boys that they will just have to educate themselves (which by the way would include educational material from the rugrats). I have faith that HE will pull me out of this funk I am finding my self in.. I am just feeling pulled in so many directions anymore. My husband who has been struggling with life as well wants to leave the state. A good wife would have her bags packed and ready to roll. Part of me is but then my family wants us to stay (for good reason), his dad would be devastated. When I think about the what if's if something were to happen to someone what would we do. Are we going to be ok, what if he loses his job down there (florida) what will happen to us. Just so many thoughts runing across my mind...I am ready to run, but what am I running into. Sure, we would be with us just our family . I would get to meet more people share God's love with others. Which I would absolutely love. I am horrible at this. I really should just close my eyes plug my nose and just dive in. How do I do that ? How do I throw our life up here out and start a new life somewhere else? i feel better just spewing this out for the world to see.
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Oh, Brianna, I'm sending you a big cyber hug right now. You're right, I would never guess that you struggle with depression, but you probably wouldn't guess that I struggle with that as well and also with anxiety and panic disorder. At least if I hadn't told you. But we don't have to be perfect ot be loved by our Savior, and the really amazing thing is that He uses the weak things of this world to fulfill His purposes. My blog post today was about that.
ReplyDeleteAs far the things going on with your hubby, I can relate to that as well. Brad is overwhelmingly busy with responsibilities at work, church, home, etc. and it really stresses me out to see him so stressed out. But all I can do is pray for him and try to be there for him. Pamper him, actually. Sometimes I've tried to talk too much in the past, tried to tell him what he should do, tell him he shouldn't be stressed because God is in control. But that's never helped. My talking, I mean. He knows all those things. Most of the time he just needs me to listen and acknowledge his concerns and stresses and ask him what I can do to alleviate his stress. Just be there for him like I would want him to be there for me.
I'll keep you in my prayers, dear. God will pull you out of this, but while He allows you in it, He's got some life-changing things for you to learn and grow through. Nothing is ever for naught with Him!
That is the reason I started this blog was to show everyone that life isn't perfect ....us Christians have issues, and life does not become perfect when we become christians. I am broken and rely on God to heal me. I make mistakes, I do things wrong. I always think of the Christians I was around when growing up and even today . They seem to have everything figured out and made/make me feel like lesser of a person because I don't. I want everyone to know that I have struggles, pain, nervous breakdowns, wild children, I am nothing special but the one think I find my comfort in, when I have these bouts with anger, depression, anxiety is that I am the daughter of the one and only King and I find comfort in knowing that this is just temporary, my pain will be gone, my problems will be solved. I live for him and he is the one that should matter. I know he has my husband in his hands and will take care of us. That being said I will get through this I find comfort in your words and the love of my church family and friends. I love the people that God sends my way. I just hope I could help one person through writing this I pray for that. thank you amber i appreciate your words.
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